Onion Breath

As always, The Onion.


Guy 'Just Giving You A Hard Time' Truly Despises You

RED BANK, NJ—Several coworkers have confirmed that colleague Eric Grasso's daily ribbing stems from a deep-seated hatred of you and everything you stand for.
"Hey champ, pretty fancy shirt you got there," said Grasso as you walked past the break room wearing your slightly glossy blue dress shirt. "Going clubbing tonight, or are you wearing that cheap cologne just for me? Kidding. C'mon, you know I love you."
The news will not stop Grasso from pretending to push you in front of a moving bus during your lunch break later today, while half the office, including the woman from Accounting you were planning to ask out, looks on.

Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17

NEW YORK—Poll data indicates the 2006 mid-term elections were marked by the lowest turnout ever, with only 17 total votes cast. "Some 24 percent of those who showed up were registered Independents between the ages of 39, 54, 71, and 73, while, surprisingly, less than six percent appeared to be soccer moms driving a green 2000 Plymouth Voyager," said Harrison Cullers of the Advance Logistics Research Group. "This really shows how much impact a get-out-the-vote campaign that averages $2.5 million per voter can have on the important Milwaukee-resident-Dave-Anderson demographic." Critics say the low voter turnout was only exacerbated by problems with Diebold electronic voting machines, citing one Ohio district in which a local Democrat received negative 12 votes.

Area Man Achieves Your Dream

CHARLOTTE, NC—After almost two decades of dreaming on your part, 34-year-old Stephen Hochenko achieved your goal of opening up a small bookstore and café last Thursday, coincidentally in the exact location you had planned to open yours.
"This proves that no matter what your dreams are, someone out there can achieve them if they just do a little homework, save their money, and believe in themselves," said a satisfied Hochenko as he arranged tables and chairs for a Monday night wine tasting and reading featuring acclaimed author Neil Gaiman. "I'm happier than you can even imagine or will probably ever experience yourself."
Hochenko joins a long list of people who have achieved your dreams, including the creators of YouTube, Grand Prix motorcycle-racer Valentino Rossi, and the people who married your longtime crush and potential soul mate in April 1998, June 2001, and last Saturday