Perry the Parasite Pirate is here to stay

Without warning my body jerks itself out of bed and and convulses for what seems like eternity. It seems to be ejecting enemies at it's own discretion.
My body has been heaving and hurling for the past four hours. I am not sure if it is out of sympathy pains, emotional distress or from the saturated, trans fatty oils that were soaked into last night's dinner. In my head, it's a combination of all three.
Lying down makes the pain worse, watching television makes me sad and sitting upright in a chair by a humming computer reminds me of things I won't or can't have. I am further proof that you can indeed expel water from your stomach using simple undulating moves of the abdomen.

I'm sick, I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. I need bread.